Why Can't Fun be Serious Business?

I'm not sure what it is about our American heritage that tells us that if it's fun, it's not serious or productive. Perhaps it's not just our American heritage at all, and I'm not sure that it's even "Western" thinking; from what I've heard those Eastern thinkers can be all work and no play as well. Whatever it is about human development, we've created the notion that fun and "real work" are mutually exclusive.

Maybe we need to stop lumping all "fun" into one basket. Of course there is the fun that is just fun for fun's sake. Frolicking in a pile of leaves, swooshing down a ski slope, or maybe a shot of tequila (or two) now and then. I would argue that ALL fun teaches us--sometimes lessons we don't want to learn (especially the tequila).

In all seriousness, though, fun is not only important for learning, I would argue that it is an essential element. Maybe we need to redefine fun. Think about the times when you've had the best learning experiences. For most of us, it doesn't include the many, many hours we spent in traditional classrooms, being lectured at by a teacher and regurgitating some form of what he or she spewed at us. For most of us, it doesn't include our professional education credit classes, training programs offered at work, or the conference sessions that cost our employers thousands of dollars. What's YOUR most memorable educational experience? Why was it effective?

Fun doesn't mean just being silly--although that IS fun. Fun means being involved, engaged, moving, thinking, experimenting, relating. When we create an environment where people can try new things, where they can fail and learn from failure without judgment, where they can celebrate success, where they can speak freely and brainstorm ideas without ridicule, where they can share those success and failures, WHERE THEY CAN DARE TO STEP OUTSIDE WHAT IS COMFORTABLE--then learning takes place. We think uncomfortable is not fun, and most of us avoid it at all costs, but usually uncomfortable is what makes fun, fun! I could go on and on about this forever, but I don't have the room and you don't have the time. So, I will share these links.

Fun in school: Quantum Learning/Supercamp
Fun at work: Coaching Ourselves, On Your Feet
Fun in personal development: Interplay

If you're a teacher--make learning fun for your students. If you're a manager--make learning fun for your employees. If you're a parent--make learning fun for your kids. Most importantly--make learning fun for yourself. Seriously, you just might learn something.

It is Patriot Day

I have to admit, when I looked at Google Calendar and saw that it was "Patriot Day" I didn't know what it was. It wasn't that I'd forgotten about 9/11 and its events, I just don't associate them yet with the term "Patriot Day."

A dear, dear friend of mine who lives here in Scottsdale, comes from a family of New York, Irish fire fighters and her brother died in the towers on 9/11. Just typing that makes me cry. I called her tonight, to tell her I was thinking of her on this sad anniversary and it just so happened she is writing a paper on "civic responsibility." (She just went back to school at 50! :) We began discussing labels and prejudice. It's true that her East coast experiences are much different than mine on the West coast.

For one, the East coast, with all of its immigrant communities, was much more "open" about who people were. She told me that growing up, you told people your full name because "Geraghty" or "Ricci" or "Polanski" told folks about where you lived and where you came from. It also meant you were ripe for a slew of "racial" jokes--but rather than alienating you, it was almost a form of acceptance. "OH, you're Irish--let's go have a beer!"

Growing up in Seattle, I had the opposite experience. The West coast was, and I believe continues to be, the land of P.C. While I think on some fronts the P.C.'ness was started with good intentions, it has its own challenges as well. I've had frank discussions with "people of color" who say that prejudice is alive and well in Seattle--it's just much more polite.

So where does this leave us? The standard sentiment for 9/11 is "We will remember" and "Don't forget"--and this is very true. We must remember--we must not forget. Yet, we must forgive. We have to move past labeling, and "isms." The number of Muslims who agree with terrorism are probably equal to the number of Christians who believe we should burn the Qur'an. There are countless stories about how hate destroys the hater. Let's celebrate the stories of amazing grace and forgiveness.

If we get what we focus on, let's focus on love. My friend tells me true stories of her friends, who, during 9/11 before the planes crashed the towers, were refused by Muslim drivers to go downtown. Stories of Muslim families who evacuated the night before the bombing. It's true that I don't have those experiences to color my perception, so it is easy for me to be "inclusive." The true challenge, for all of us, is to forgive--not forget--despite what we know. Despite previous experiences. Letting go is the hardest thing we we can do--and yet, it is in letting go that we finally are free.

What if...

What if you could sing?
What if you could dance?
What if you went back to school?
What if you looked at someone you didn't like through different eyes?

What if we we could change our thinking? Change our behavior? Change our lives? I suppose what if goes along with my "yes, and..." idea from improv. "What if" is at the heart of all child's play. Of course, kids don't ask themselves this outright, but it's true...what if I were a fairy princess? what would I do?

I think as adults, we forget to ask "what if." We are too solidly rooted in what we call "what is." We don't have time to consider possibilities, after all, because we know "what is." But what if "what is"...isn't? What if we create "what is"? What if we were to pause for just a moment and ask ourselves "what if"?

What if she DIDN'T mean it that way?
What if he really wasn't qualified for this position?
What if I've accomplished more than I think?
What if I try to sing? or dance? or learn accounting?

"What if" could be a good thing for us grown ups to consider. For businesses too.

What if our customers want it?
What if we found a way to try something new?
What if we worked together differently?

It's easy to say no. It's easy to go with what we believe is "what is." Take the harder road. Someone once said, if there are two choices and one is more difficult, choose the more difficult route--it is the one you will learn by. Okay--maybe no one said that exactly, but that's the idea. Take the difficult route, say "yes, and..." then ask yourself..."what if?" and see what you come up with.

We Don't Sell Shirts

I did improv for a few years--theater improv where you create scenes on the spot. In improv, there is a concept called "yes, and..." It is basically the idea that in order to move the scene along, you need to agree with whatever "offer" your fellow improviser makes. Not agreeing is called "blocking" and stops the scene dead in its tracks. Example of blocking:

Improviser #1: (pointing into the sky) "Wow! Look! It's a spaceship!"
Improviser #2: (folding arms and shaking head) "That's not a spaceship, it's just a weather balloon."

Ouch. Being blocked feels like you were completely rejected. Now you are stuck trying to make an interesting scene and play nice with someone you don't like very well at the moment. Now consider this example of "yes, and...":

Improviser #1: (pointing into the sky) "Wow! Look! It's a spaceship!"
Improviser #2: (getting excited and looking in direction of pointing) "Yes, and it looks like it's getting ready to land!"

Yay! Now we get to take the scene any one of a million different fun directions. You feel loved and are looking forward to playing nice with the other person. Of course, you don't always have to say "yes, and..."--it's just the concept of agreeing on the initial offer and moving it forward together.

Why am I telling you this? Because I am continually shocked and amazed at how few people get this in life. Blocking seems to be the norm rather than the exception. I'm just as guilty of it even knowing about the principle! When businesses do it, though, it is baffling.

We recently went to Sonoma, California. We were at a winery that bears our last name and my husband was pretty giddy about it. It was a beautiful winery and tasting room--obviously a lot of money and taste had gone into it. The wine tasting room manager was friendly enough, and we enjoyed the wines enough that we bought a case (mostly because the bottles bear our name :). My husband also wanted to buy a shirt like the one she had on. She looked around and checked into it--nope, no shirts. He asked what happened when a new employee started--didn't he or she get a shirt? Hmmm...yes, but we don't sell shirts. He even followed up by e-mail, sure that they would throw in a shirt with our case of wine, but no, we don't sell shirts.

I run into this repeatedly as a consumer and with my clients, too. Why on earth would you reject a customer? What in the world are you thinking? YES! Here is a shirt! YES! Spread our brand all over where you live so people will know who we are and buy more wine! YES! We love your business and it is our pleasure to GIVE you a shirt!

So just remember, next time a customer (or friend, spouse, co-worker--anyone really) makes you an "offer": YES! And...just see where it takes you!

What's Your Personal Communications Strategy?

If you Google "public speaking" you'll come up with hundreds, if not thousands, of people willing to charge you a fee to "free you from your fear of public speaking." There are classes, workshops, programs, books, videos--just about anything you'd like to spend your money on. Which is great, because different things work for different people. I really don't think there's a magic pill, bullet, or method, though. I do think a coach can help. And I think public speaking is only one part of the way you communicate.

I don't like to call myself a "public speaking coach" because that is such a small piece of a person's overall communications style and image. Public speaking is just one way you communicate and it needs to be consistent with the way you write, the way you speak in personal situations, and the way you present yourself. Basically, you need a communications strategy for yourself. Your strategy requires three things: 1) authenticity 2) practice 3) flexibility.

Authenticity: If it isn't "you," it won't work. Having a speechwriter is helpful, but unless you make it your own, you won't feel comfortable with it and your message won't resonate with your audience. One strategy I've been using is to have the client explain to me what he wants to say, I say it back--more succinctly and powerfully, then he translates that back into his own style. It's a way of clarifying his thoughts and making sure his audience can understand him, but at the same time using his own words and speaking style.

Practice: There is a mis-belief that if you are good at something it doesn't require practice. WRONG. Practice is critical. Practicing all aspects of your communications strategy is important: listening skills, public speaking, writing. The more you practice, the more naturally your communication skills will become. In her book, "Mindset," Carl Dweck tells us there are two types of mindsets: fixed and growth. In a fixed mindset, people either "have it" or they don't. They are afraid of failing, or of risking looking stupid, and believe that if you "have it", then it should be easy and you shouldn't require work or practice to be successful. In a growth mindset, people realize that anything is possible--anyone can learn, improve, and excel--through PRACTICE.

Flexibility: Even with a coach, improving your communication skills is a trial and error process. Some things will work well, some won't work at all, and you may even have a few errors. Give yourself permission to try new things, risk looking stupid, and understand that it's possible to recover from pretty much anything. In the 1988 Democratic convention in Atlanta, during Bill Clinton's first national appearance, he was so boring the crowd actually cheered when he said "in conclusion..." The future president when on to become one of the best public speakers of the century. Mistakes happen, learn from them, adjust, and move on.

By staying authentic, practicing, and being flexible, you can improve your skills and get your message across.

New Thinking is Nothing New...but still amazing

The idea has been around forever--or at least as long as I can remember. It's the concept that if you change the way you think, you change the way you feel. AA calls it "stinkin' thinkin'" and there are other various versions of this. It seems to be the premise of almost all of today's self-help gurus.

Yet, most of us are stuck in the same old thought patterns. Those thought patterns dictate how we feel, which in turn have huge influence over how we act. These thought patterns lead us down destructive paths to jobs we hate, failing marriages, bad relationships with our kids, and overall angst and loneliness (for which the prescription drug world is extremely grateful).

Genetically, some of us seem to be better off than others. To me, the nature/nurture debate leans to the side of nature on this one. Regardless of the environments in which people are raised, a positive thinking pattern seems to be something inherited rather than learned. I'm pretty much convinced that those of us who weren't lucky enough to inherit that positive thinking have a challenging job when it comes to changing those patterns.

Yes, I am in the negative thinking group. I hate to say it, but it's true. Despite having a wonderful upbringing, great successes, and strong relationships, I tend to look at the cup as half empty. Then, I feel guilty about it. Changing this pattern is the challenge I face daily.

When it comes to work, I think we need to factor in this "change your thoughts, change your feelings, change your behavior" idea. After working in training and communications for over 20 years, I can tell you that just focusing on the changing behavior part doesn't work--because you're not touching the underlying causes of that behavior. We've always had to be careful in corporate training not to get too psychological, but behavior and psychology are so intertwined, it's pretty much inevitable.

I just read a great book thanks to my husband (and his boss). It's called "Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box" by The Arbinger Institute. It presents another version of this "change your thoughts, change your feelings, change your behavior" model--and some of us need to see things in a variety of ways before we really "get it." This story motivated me to, once again, experiment with changing my thinking. I've done it in several specific occasions over the years and, oddly enough, I am always surprised by the results.

Instead of thinking, "I don't wanna" "I wish I didn't have to" "What if I forget something?" "What if I'm wrong?" "What if they ask me something I don't know?"--I've been thinking "This is fun! I want to do this! If I have fun, they will too." Also, a few gems I've gotten over the years: (from my voice teacher) "I'm here to share, not to show; to express, not to impress" and (from Wayne Dyer) "Being myself involves no risks. It is my ultimate truth and I live fearlessly." Not only have I FELT happier, I've had great opportunities come my way and I've had fun. Shocking. It works.

Now, if the corporate world would just be open to incorporating this work into company culture (instead of looking at it as "touchy, feely, psycho, mumbo-jumbo"), we might start getting somewhere.

The Essential Components to Capture Your Audience

I've been working with people on public speaking for the last year or so as well as doing some of it on my own. I got to thinking the other day, about what makes a good speech or presentation. Of course, part of it depends on your purpose and audience, but there are a few key components that stand out.
1) Words
You need to know what you're going to say. It doesn't have to be written out, although it may be appropriate to use notes, or at least an outline. I do think, though, that you should write out what you're going to say. Even if you don't read it--having in mind what the words are that you want to use will keep you on track and give you confidence.
2) Authenticity
You need to believe in what you're speaking about and speak from the heart. If you're going to get your audience from point a to point b--you better know why you want to take them there and be able to truthfully tell them how and why.
3) Animation
This is a tough one, because not everyone is animated. It needs to be a "real" animation--one that rings true with your personality--but it might need to be more exaggerated that what you're used to. Smiling, making eye contact, pausing, making fun of yourself--these are all things that can help you to be more animated, but they don't come naturally to most of us in front of an audience. It takes practice.
4) Practice.
Let me say it again: practice. And again, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. It may feel strange, but the truth is, the only way you can be successful is with practice--real and imagined. Visualization is critical. You need to walk through your presentation in your head, repeatedly. Then, you need to get in front of a mirror, your family, the dog--whoever--and practice. The more you practice, the better you'll get.
5) Mindset.
It's not about you, it's about them. Keep in mind that it's not about what you have to tell the audience--it's about what they want/need to hear. If you shift your focus from YOU to THEM, you'll find your odds of success improve dramatically.

There's more, but that's enough for now! Having a coach can be very helpful because we can't see what we can't see. It's very hard to judge our own performance. Having someone to observe and give you constructive feedback can be immensely helpful.