I hate the moment when my feet leave the diving board--that split-second when there's no going back on my decision to jump and before my body plunges into the shock of the cold water. I have been known to stand on the diving board for minutes, warding off threats from my husband and sons who are dying to push me in. What's so weird, though, is that hitting the water is never as bad as I've made it out to be. The fear of what might be far outweighs the fear in the actual experience of what is. The fear I experience is not a fear of the thing itself, but in my imagining of the event.
Take bungee jumping, for instance. My husband really wants to go up to Nanaimo, British Columbia in Canada and bungee jump off the bridge there. What scares me about bungee jumping is not the fear of dying, but the moment between when my feet leave the bridge and when I feel the cord "catch" at the bottom. That's a heckuva long moment compared to leaving a diving board! But think about it--that IS the experience of bungee jumping. If you're going to enjoy the experience, you need to enjoy that anticipation while you're flying through the air, plummeting toward the earth. In order for me to enjoy life, I have to be doing more than just anxiously awaiting for that cord to catch at the bottom.
It's the same reason I hate horror movies. I experience no pleasure whatsoever in that moment where the killer is waiting, poised with the knife as the unwitting future victim slowly puts her hand on the doorknob. Now, I don't enjoy movies with a lot of killing anyway, but wiping out a group with machine guns is far less scary because there is no anticipation. It just happens. The event itself, again, is less scary than the anticipation of it.
So how can I deal with the fear that comes from anticipation? As far as I can tell, there is only one way--to fully experince each moment. It takes practice to constantly bring myself to the present, but the reality is there is usually nothing scary in this moment. Even when bad things do happen, it is usually just in one bad moment, surround by a bunch of very manageable or even good moments. Being present, even to fear, is far less scary than the events I anticipate. So, I breathe, let go of my thoughts, and once again strive to just be.
I think it's time for a swim.
