As far back
as I can remember, in any given situation, I've been excellent at reading other people to figure out what's "expected," and then do what it takes to meet or beat those expectations. I have always been good at people-pleasing.
This means at home I was the "good" kid. At school, I was the "good" student. When I met my husband, I added “good”
wife to my list. Then, when our boys were born, I took it to a whole new level. I read every parenting book
I could get my hands on. I was not going to be just a "good" mother...I was going to be the perfect mother. I was going to do it the "right" way and raise perfect children.
I lived this way, trying to please
everyone else, to live up to someone else's idea of perfect, for most of my life. Until a few years ago, when my kids entered
their teen years. They had their own ideas about what they wanted to do and who
they wanted to be. I kept trying to fit them, and our whole family, into the
impossibly perfect mold I’d created based on what I thought was everyone else’s vision of
“perfect.”
Now, we had never measured up to this mold of the perfect family that I was trying to fit us into, but as the kids gave up youth group in favor of playing death metal, we
were getting farther away from this version of perfect every day. The more
I tried to make the mold fit, the worse things got for all of us--frustration, arguing, nagging were making home life unpleasant. Until about a year ago, when the mold just broke. Really, I just broke.
You can call it whatever you want—a
meltdown, a mid-life crisis, a crash—but essentially I had to let go. I was physically, emotionally, and psychologically exhausted from trying to measure up to some impossible—and
incorrect—version of who I thought we should all be.
This "crash" has been the greatest gift of my life.
For a year now, I’ve been in the
process of learning some fabulous life lessons and I’ve been blessed with
amazing, supportive teachers along the way.
Here is what I am learning:
·
There is no one right way. This may not be shocking to many of you, but this was a revelation to me that took 40 years! There are a lot of right ways--and none of them is perfect. It was the French philosopher, Voltaire who said, “The perfect is the enemy of the good.” And it’s true.
I missed out on a lot of good stuff while I was striving for someone else’s view of
perfection.
·
The more I try to be perfect, the more distant
it becomes. Trying to be perfect actually keeps me from being excellent. When I
am afraid of screwing up—whether it’s in public speaking or in my marriage or
my writing—that’s when I do my least best work. It’s when I’m willing to make
mistakes and reveal my “true self” that I form deeper connections with others.
·
Being present is more important than being
perfect. It is my life’s work from now on to be more present and more grateful.
When I am focused on being perfect, it removes me from experiencing what
“is”—I’m too much in my head thinking about what to do, how to be. When I'm caught up in all my mind chatter, I'm not present and can't connect with anyone.
Maybe the most important lesson I’ve
learned, though, is that I don’t know. I don’t know the "right" way, or what I'm supposed to do, or why others do what they do. As far as I can tell, my job is to show up and let go of the outcome.
As we start this new year, I would
challenge us all to look at whatever it is in our lives that holds us back,
keeps us from being present, keeps us from having the kinds of relationships we
long for, and I would encourage us to take steps to change that. It's a process, not a project, but I think the more of us that get started on it, the better off the world will be.
We can’t
be perfect, but we can be excellent, and excellence happens when we are
present, when we are passionate, and when we are just our plain ol’ imperfect
selves. So Happy New Year, and here’s to being perfectly imperfect.
